Work While You Wait

I am fortunate to have lived long enough to start recognizing recurring themes in my life. One theme is “pursuing my dreams.” This theme began in college, when I was cast in my first play during my senior year and abruptly decided to pursue a career in acting rather than attending law school. I spent an additional two years at the University of Maryland, earning a third Bachelor’s degree in Theatre Performance (the first two are in Criminology & Criminal Justice and African American Studies).

After earning my theatre degree in May 2008, I needed to secure a full-time job to support myself and pay off the student loan debt I had accumulated over six years of undergraduate studies. I envied my classmates from more privileged backgrounds who could get by with part-time jobs at coffee shops and children’s theatre companies. I got a full-time job working in nonprofit fundraising and was MISERABLE. I loved the organization’s mission, but felt like I was giving up on my dreams.

I wrote this poem around that time:

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 

one day i'm gonna walk away from it all. 

leave squeaky chair spinning in cubicle 

and pictures on the wall 

and expectations of success 

and bill collector calls 

and dreams that are too far to reach 

and grab them as if all 

that mattered

was honoring me. 

i'm gonna walk away, 

maybe even run, 

not caring if i break the heel on my black leather pumps

or get runs in itchy stockings that were never met to fit me. 

i won't answer phones politely, 

won't smile without meaning, 

will cry when i feel like it 

and speak the truth as if 

life really depended on it. 

i'm not happy. 

i feel like walking, 

jogging, or maybe even driving 

til i run out of gas 

and can no longer recognize the surroundings 

outside of the glass 

that separates me from reality. 

one day i'm gonna walk instead of sit, 

act instead of talk,

sing instead of staying quiet, 

scream instead of staying silent, 

stop living so publicly and 

respect myself enough to be private.

tiptoes are all they see now

but in my soul 

i am walking, 

even climbing, 

drowning but surviving, 

heart faint but still thriving 

and growing despite being

the uprooted plant that i am. 

i don't want to wait for "one day" 

so maybe today i'll just 

put one foot in front of the other 

and see what happens. 

movement is innate 

and i'm spiraling back to my own nature 

and the essence of my humanity

beyond infancy, 

crawling, crying, standing, 

losing balance and falling 

but taking that final leap 

and walking.

24-year-old Farah. Photo by Alvin Lowe.

Farah at 41 wishes she could grab Farah at 24 and give her a great big hug. I would congratulate her for securing a full-time job right before the 2008 financial crisis! I would give her a sneak peek into her future—the grant writing skills she was learning at this job would eventually land her at a theatre, of which she would one day become the Artistic Director. I would remind her that in the short time since she graduated, she had helped found a theatre company, performed in several plays, and written a one-woman show. I would tell her to go sit down somewhere and take in each moment instead of rushing to the next one.

Lastly, I would give her a name for what she was doing: Working While You Wait. I would remind her that she is funding her dream by working full-time. She need not compare herself to others. I would teach her that dreams are neither achieved by grand gestures nor overnight success. Dreams are realized when one takes consistent steps—AKA walking—toward a goal. God bless 24-year-old me for continuing to walk instead of stopping! The path I ended up on is so much richer than I ever could have imagined.