The Value of Loneliness

The last time I felt lonely was sitting home alone on medical leave while in treatment for breast cancer. I received plenty of familial and communal support, but my afternoons alone at home were so quiet. Cancer, like grief, is an isolating experience.

At first, I filled the silence with YouTube videos, music, and TV. I was afraid to face the sadness and disappointment I felt. But when I accepted the quiet, I found something beautiful: love. The quiet showed me how much my family and the friends who showed up for me loved me. And me importantly, in that quiet, I heard God’s love. I found gratitude for every blessing I witnessed. Loneliness turned out to be a gift.

I wrote the poem below during a lonely time in my life, and it still rings true now:

I May Get Lonely Sometimes

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 

i may get lonely sometimes, 

question the love of those around me, 

long for the feeling of arms around me--

circling, grasping, speaking in the form of squeezing 

and making me feel safe in this dangerous world.

but i'm not alone. 

i have known alone,

moved into a room in her home, 

making my bed every morning

until i was evicted by joy, 

pulled out kicking and screaming by love,

and left on the street disappointed by the affirmation 

that at times, 

i will be lonely

even when i am surrounded by love 

from those around me. 

you see, 

loneliness doesn't depend on the outside conditions. 

loneliness is birthed when a piece of your heart is missing. 

beats don't occur at the same time rhythm 

and if you stay there long enough, 

you become a victim. 

i may get lonely sometimes, 

even cry sometimes 

and i've wept sometimes 

and i've wanted to die sometimes 

but the love that i feel at times

make all those feelings a waste of time, 

make me feel like if i just had some time 

to count all the times 

where i received love i didn't deserve, 

was reminded of my self-worth, 

succeeded when life didn't seem to work 

and healed beautifully from pain that hurt me, 

then lonely wouldn't even be 

an issue. 

i may get lonely sometimes, 

but i am filled with love that pushes out emotion 

and shines light on truth like 

being lonely gives me time to think 

and being lonely lets me discover me

and being lonely makes me appreciate company 

and laughter and life and love

even more.

so here is to my lonely sometimes.

you will not hold me down this time.

love will prevail

and so will i.

May love prevail for all of you, especially when you feel lonely. You are loved.